Volume and Bounce

I went to the SRA this evening for a perfectly straight forward musical evening. The usual mixture of the Sarangi and the Tabla and Carnatic Music. A very enjoyable experience indeed, till this stranger sitting next to me descended on the scene. She even managed to take away Bickram Ghosh's thunder ....... quite literally.

She was giving me looks. I could even say "queer" looks. I am mortally scared of these 'same-sex' people and had one foot ready to jump up and change seats or whatever. Suddenly, just as a small alap ended, she leans across and whispers " Where do you get your hair dressed?".

The fact of the matter is that my hair (all of the 2" crop that I maintain) is completely undressed, denuded, bare and naked. I was totally foxed and then she gave me a 'leg up' so to say ....... "Who is you hair dresser, dear?" (Why does she say 'dear'?)

Ah! This answer I knew and promptly gave her the name of the very pleasant lady who gives me the hair-cut that I occasionally need.

This lady sniffed and sneered.

I did a mental sneer and turned my attention back to Bickram Ghosh.

Two minutes of silence.

A reverie and a close inspection of my hair in the semi darkness.

Then another whisper, "My dear, your hair is in a mess".

"So what's it to you, lady?" (Except that I am polite at all times.)

I answered with a 'quite so' nod. Ghosh was particularly brilliant this evening and was demanding attention. Rightfully so, too.

The woman carried on about my hair..... its cut, its shape, morphology and what not.

I eventually (with the half-ear that I was giving her) gathered that she was some sort of a hair specialist.

Now, all those who know me will agree that my hair is perfectly fine. A salt and pepper mixture of clean hair, which is shampooed regularly. No trouble with my hair whatsoever.

I asked her, in my very best 'special' English, "Are you a hair stylist?"

"No, no. I am a hair trainer"

I nearly fell out of my chair.

"You are a WHAT?" This in my very best 'street' English.

Oh, Madam was highly offended !!!!!!She puckered up her mouth, sniffed some more. but at least allowed me to get back to the music.

By this time my imagination was fired, and there was a riot of thoughts in my head. I have heard of horse trainers and dog trainers. I can do with a cat trainer for Chico and Iago (even if I have to shell out some cash). There are snake charmers, but not trainers. Shoes that we wore when we were young were called trainer shoes. What does a hair trainer do? I thought hair had no nerves (that is why it does not hurt when cut), therefore no intelligence either. So how could hair be trained????

Bickram Ghosh be damned, I had to find out now. I made a few attempts at polite conversation, and got the story out of her.

Her name is Diva (do not even think of sopranos and operas, dear readers..... this female has a whisky-rich husky voice). She is from Bombay (which by itself is a very dubious introduction).

And of course she trains hair.

"How do you train hair"? I asked.

Hair must have Volume!!! Gleam!!! Sheen!!! Life!!!

It has to bounce and swing.

Shine and glow.

She should write a doctoral dissertation on it. She was in ecstasies of ........ words fail me.......

I instantly thought of Rituparna with her ardent desire to have hair with 'volume and bounce'. This lady carried on about how poorly 'arranged' my hair was.

"It has 'volume' however". said Diva.

"It needs 'treatment' " , Diva said. I was looking for tongs and scissors which she might be carrying in her very flashy purple pseudo-leather bag. She gave me the name (clean out of my mind now) of her establishment on Park Street/Wellesley crossing. There she trains hair and dresses hair. That is her profession. She also trains females ("Only girls, dear") who in turn.... 'trains' hair. Very complicated indeed.

Things were simpler in my childhood when my horribly unruly hair had to be put in two tightly drawn braids. Now of course, no matter who says what I will have my hair 'undressed and naked" in the 2" Eton crop that I find very suitable.

I escaped from the clutches of this lady with all my hair intact, thinking of the likes of Rituparna. Hoping they do not fall to 'training' their hair. Yet in my thought was a remote desire of disciplining Sajani's hair. May be Sajani can be sent to Diva.

What says you???